The Rubber Monkey

Fecal Transplant, need I say more? I would love to nominate someone for a Rubber Monkey on this one, but I can’t. Why? Because IT WORKS.

Doctors have discovered that the most effective treatment for C. diff infection, a potentially life-threatening condition, is the shoving of a healthy donor’s poop up the patient’s butt. The success rate of this treatment is a staggering 92 percent. Many victims, I mean patients, got better after just one treatment.

I’m not going to focus on how it works. What’s important is that it does. I want to know how this unusual treatment was discovered. I’ve watched many episodes of House, and never once was shoving poop up the patient’s butt ever discussed. They’ve insulted patients, stabbed them, given them diseases, put them into cardiac arrest, and even killed them, but never anything like this:

And the rest is history.

As fecal transplants become more common, other applications of this revolutionary procedure may surface. Politicians, for instance, are groomed for years before they are considered to be ready for national office. The fecal transplant has the potential to fill a man so full of crap that he will be ready for public office after just a few treatments. The sales profession is another example. This rare skill that once took years to hone can now be surgically implanted.

The potential of the fecal transplant is limitless. That’s why I can’t give out a Rubber Monkey on this one. I know, it screams “World’s dumbest people,” but it works. I guess that the only thing that I can do go upstairs and shove some poop up my butt. Maybe, if I shove enough up there, I can become one of the world’s dumbest people… I mean… one of the world’s most successful people too. Wish me luck.

Today’s Rubber Monkey for the world’s dumbest people goes to the men in blue of Midway Georgia who heroically brought the Georgia Lemonade Cartel to its knees. The lemonade stand, run by three 10 year old girls hoping to make some money so that they could visit a local water park, became a top priority when Midway Police Chief Kelly Morningstar and an unidentified officer stumbled upon the illegal operation. Police say that it had to be done because they didn’t know who made the lemonade, what was in it or how it was made. We at the Rubber Monkey speculate that it was probably made out of lemons by the little girls. That’s how it’s usually done.

After consulting the FBI, Homeland Security and Paula Dean (who criticized the girls for using California lemons rather than Florida lemons), Midway police determined that the lemonade stand was a secret (and sour) al-Qaida terrorist cell and had to be shut down. Thanks to the heroic actions of Chief Morningstar and her men, the streets of Midway are safe again.

Today’s Rubber Monkey nominee is Scarlett Johansson. Ms. Johansson joins the growing list of celebrity morons to have nude pictures posted on the Internet after having their cell phones hacked. She now finds herself part of a group of distinguished idiots that include Mila Kunis, Blake Lively, Jessica Alba, Vanessa Hudgens and Miley Cyrus. Also, let’s not forget the “accidental” tweeting of Anthony Weiner’s little buddy.

After the pictures surfaced, Johansson contacted the FBI, as well as releasing a pack of lawyers – or is it a school of lawyers – in an attempt to have the pictures removed. Sorry Scarlet, once they go viral on the Internet, there’s nothing that can be done. The FBI won’t be able to help either. Unfortunately, operation “Rid the World of Stupidity” was disbanded when it was discovered that successful completion would result in total annihilation of Washington, DC and Hollywood.

In honor of Johansson and her friends, this month’s Rubber Monkey Award will have its pants around its ankles.

A Chicago area woman died recently after she apparently injected herself in the face with hot beef fat. Janet Hardt, 63, of Homewood Illinois, had allegedly performed this procedure several times in the past without incident and was reportedly “obsessed” with hot fat injections. She had developed her own technique for the procedure consisting of boiling the beef, extracting the fat and injecting it into her face.

Hardt looked “grotesque” with infections and scarring in her mouth, lips and face. She, however, had no signs of wrinkles. Before she died, Hardt went to the hospital complaining of a burning sensation in her face. The Autopsy revealed that she died of natural causes.

We at the Rubber Monkey want to stress the importance of safe medical practices. ALWAYS consult your physician before injecting yourself with hot fat. If you don’t, you too may experience a burning sensation in your face. So, today’s Rubber Monkey Award goes to both Hardt and the moron who ruled her death as “natural.”

How do you get rid of those annoying and painful warts?  Most people go to the doctor where they are either burned or frozen off.  Some brave souls choose to remove them by cutting them out with a pocket knife.  Today’s Rubber Monkey nominee took a novel approach.  Sean Murphy, a security guard from Yorkshire England, chose to remove a wart on his middle finger with a shotgun.  He lost most of the finger in the process. “It was as big as my thumbnail. I’d been to the doctors with it and tried all sorts of things, but it wouldn’t go,” Murphy told reporters.  He said that it “was hurting a lot and causing my finger to bend”. That’s when the 38-year-old, armed with a shotgun and several pints of beer, chose to remove the wart himself.  Murphy said that he didn’t expect to lose his finger.

Mr. Murphy has taught us a valuable lesson.  NEVER perform a surgical procedure with a loaded shotgun.  Not only is it a very messy business, you may be branded with a Rubber Monkey.  Murphy is fortunate, however.  He could have been shooting for a vasectomy.

What do you call an attorney with an IQ of 50? You call him Your Honor, and what do you call nine of these black-robed morons gathered in the same room? Unfortunately, they are called the Washington State Supreme Court.

Most Rubber Monkey nominees are nominated for acts that are both stupid and humorous, but there is nothing even remotely funny about the stupidity of the Washington State Supreme Court.

In 2007, Kevin L Monday Jr. was convicted of the Brutal murder of Francisco Green by shooting him 11 times on a crowded Seattle street corner. A local street performer video taped the murder, so Monday was convicted and sentenced to 64 years.

With Monday gone, Seattle can feel a little more secure as one fewer violent criminal is roaming the streets, right? Wrong! The Washington State Supreme Court had a fit of moronic seizures and overturned Monday’s conviction due to the prosecutor pointing out the fact that few witnesses came forward because of the code of the street. The code of the street states that one does not talk to the police. Pointing out this code, according to the Washington State Supreme Court, is racist. Apparently, it’s so racist that it warrants setting a dangerous murderer free to murder again.

There should be a special prison designated for the country’s dumbest people, unfortunately that would leave us without judges and politicians. It is because of this extreme stupidity that we gladly nominate the Washington State Supreme Court for the Rubber Monkey Award.

The editors here at the Rubber Monkey thought that it might be weeks before we had a female nominee since 95% of the world’s idiots are male. Then again, we never considered Sarah Palin. Don’t worry ladies; Ms. Palin is carrying the torch for women worldwide in the quest for the first female Rubber Monkey winner.

Ms. Palin’s qualifying act occurred last week. While visiting Boston, she rewrote history by telling the world that Paul Revere scared away the British by making his midnight run while ringing a bell and shooting a gun in an effort to let the British know that we will not allow them to take away our right to bear arms.

Next week Palin is scheduled to teach an American History class in Philadelphia where she plans to lecture on General Custer’s landing on the beaches of Normandy where he led his troops to a decisive victory over the Spanish. This key battle apparently was responsible for our victory in Vietnam.

That’s why Sarah Palin has the honor of being the latest nominee for the Rubber Monkey award. Thanks to Palin, students need not be ashamed of getting a D in History because a D is the new A. Thank you Sarah, you are my hero.

Representative Anthony Weiner has the distinction of being our inaugural nominee for the not-so-prestigious Rubber Monkey Award as a result of his online indiscretions. Don’t get me wrong, this is not the first time that someone in the Washington brotherhood tried to order an extra side dish or two in addition to their entrée. JFK did it, as did Bill “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” Clinton, and most get caught. However, nobody in Washington has been stupid enough to get caught in the way that Representative Weiner did.

Apparently, Weiner intended to send a direct message through twitter containing a picture of his bulging underwear to a woman in Seattle. Instead, he tweeted the photo of his BVD covered namesake to all his followers. Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi has called for a congressional investigation, presumably to determine if Weiner is as big a moron as he appears. Republican leaders have decided that he is just too stupid to be in office and have called for his resignation. The editors here at The Rubber Monkey have no doubt that Representative Weiner is indeed a true imbecile, so we have nominated him as our first nominee for the Rubber Monkey Award.

We would like to welcome you to the Rubber Monkey, the place where the world’s morons are recognized.

Each month the Rubber Monkey is awarded to someone who has proven himself worthy by performing the biggest act of stupidity. The recipient of this distinction can be a public figure, or it could be your neighbor. The winner could be an individual, or a whole city. The only qualification is that they do something extremely stupid.

This is where we need your help. Do you know someone stupid? If you know of a moronic act worthy of the Rubber Monkey, you can nominate him by emailing us at nominate@rubber-monkey.com.Each month a winner will be chosen and posted on our website. Winners can claim their award by contacting us at admin@rubber-monkey.com.